books books books

When I was going through puberty my mother gave me a book. It was a small one that the doctor had given her so she did not have to explain puberty to my brothers or me and my sister. It was great for the bits about body changes but lacked anything about emotional changes or why things felt the way they did. In some ways maybe this was good since I did not have restrictive parameters telling me masturbation was evil or that feeling pleasure was a sin.
I just did a 30 second search on-line for books about sex for kids. There seem to be lots of options from straight forward this is puberty to where do babies come from to books that do address those super awkward topics like masturbation, foreplay,  STD's...
Here is a URL with a list of 10 books to consider.
http://geekdad.com/2014/02/top-10-sex-ed-books/

But how is handing a kid a book different than making them site through someone's presentation about how sex is only for marriage. It still doesn't offer an open dialog, or give them an honest outlet for their questions.
Maybe reading the books at the same time as your child or with young ones read books to them.

I watch parents when they deal with young ones who are touching themselves in public. Some parents freak out and swat their kid's hands telling them they are bad. others gently explain that we do not do that in public but its ok when the child is alone. Guess which one I think is healthier.

Opening a dialog.

 One of the down falls of the sex education programs being used in so many school is the vocabulary.
 Like any topic you want to discuss it really helps if you are both speaking the same language. Unfortunately kids are taught from a very early age that some body parts we do not talk about. So even if they are familiar with words like vagina, labia, aureola and penis they may be way to embarrassed to ever use them in a dialog about sex. 

Instead the vocabulary they use is one they get from their peers and from the media.
Songs especially are full of lyrical lines about sex, but not the way you might think.
An example is Chris Brown's "Sex" Where he sings explicitly about rough sex and sex without consent.
Beyonce also has sexually explicit lyrics.
Just to name two of the tamest.
If you ask your child what music they listen to, chances are they will be listening to something involving sex even if they assure you there are no "bad words" in what they are listening to.

But songs are not the only avenue kids have to learn about sex, and love and commitment and relationships. There are lots of videos, games, stories available on the internet free for the asking. A stern warning about adult content is hardly going to form any kind of deterrent to a curious mind. Too often what they witness may be far from the education about sex you thought they were getting.

So get familiar with the vocabulary your kids know and then help them learn yours.
If you sit down and think of all the words for breasts and buttocks and penises it no wonder it can all seem very confusing. And that is just the anatomy part of the discussion. When it comes to physical sensations, emotions, respect, consent and all the enjoyable things about sex the language can get really confusing.
Laci Green puts out videos about sex that are basic, open and enthusiastic if you want an example of someone who has the vocabulary and makes connections in a positive way.
https://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen

Articles that moved me to do this.

 This was one that caught my attention on facebook.

http://fightthenewdrug.org/growing-up-fast-why-12-year-old-girls-are-having-sex-rougher-earlier/#sthash.GXHUAAxZ.dpbs

Here is one of the ones from the NPR stories I heard
http://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2015/06/16/414724767/people-are-finally-talking-about-the-thing-nobody-wants-to-talk-about

And here is another about Onterio's move to change the Sex ed curriculum.
http://www.pri.org/stories/2015-06-17/despite-protests-ontario-going-forward-newer-more-modern-sex-ed-curriculum-these

These came in addition to my experience of being with 7 and 8 grade students being told that sex was only for heterosexual people who are married. And anything else was doomed to misery and a horrible life. They are also advised against even exploring their own sexuality. While the kids were given cards they could write questions on so they did not have to speak out and get noticed, many of them either did not know what questions to ask or were dealing with thinking they were already doomed to a miserable life.

A synergy of sex education

For some odd reason this last week has brought into my awareness the topic of sex education on a global scale. It seems to be lacking in many countries. An article about sex education in Australia points up the issue of girls dealing boys who are getting their sexual information from porn which is so easily on line and features rough sex and many more extremes than normal. But this skewed perspective, coupled with brain development where the ability to understand that is not yet there, has left the girls being told that they should be participating in activities like oral and anal sex or use bondage to find sexual gratification. Boys are also getting these messages.
A radio story about the change in Ontario's sex ed program as well as the state of sex education in places like South Africa and India with all the protests from parents and others, has me realizing that education needs to start with the parents.

If parents want to control what their children learn about their sexuality they need to learn what kids know and what they think they know.
For several years now I have joked about my husband's magic box. His tablet is always handy to answer any question he has: Who was that actor? When did JFK have his first child? What goes into hummus? What is the elevation of Reno, Nevada?
What I have become more aware of is that this same source is available to our youth who have questions. Especially questions they are ashamed of asking, or maybe they just have no clue who to ask. So when our youth go to the internet to find answers it should come as no surprise.

I also had an opportunity to witness a sex education program being delivered in our school system.
The lack of real information was appalling. Instead they were told they should abstain from sex and they were encouraged to keep themselves in ignorance so that when they got married they would not question anything they experienced with their partner.
All these pieces have begun to coalesce for me, so I am starting this blog to begin exploring ways to help parents learn and educate themselves about sex education.